Each Wednesday I take Cormac to Summit Speech School and each Wednesday when I leave I start to doubt my abilities as a parent. It has nothing to do with Cormac. He is doing exceptionally well. It has to do with his future. Several other parents are now going thru the IEP process. FOr those unfamiliar, it is an Individual Education Plan. Basically, it determines where Cormac should go to school and which services he is entitled. Therea is no reason why Cormac won't be in mainstream school with his brothers
I feel like I have no idea what should be in this plan. Who am I to determine what services he needs? The local school district is going to want to do the least amount as possible due to costs. I want Cormac to attend mainstream preschool with his brothers. But am I being selfish? Should I try and get him in Summit for a year to ensure he is ready by Kindergarten?? I honestly feel he will do fine in mainstream but again, who am I? I am not a teacher of the deaf or a speech language pathologist. I am terrified of making the wrong choice. He is not delayed cognitively or in any way. He just can't hear without his implants. And he didn't start hearing until he was 14 months old so he is playing catch up.
I don't feel overwhelmed often. Most days I am not even close to it. But some days are really hard. Not because of the boys themselves but having to make decisions that will effect them for the rest of their lives. The decisions about Cormac weigh on my mind. They keep me up at night. I worry constantly about our choices and the impact they will have on the rest of his life.
Cormac is an amazing child. I know so far, the decisions made are the correct decisions. The hardest decision was to implant him. And to me that was a no brainer. Why would I not implant him? Why would I not offer him the opportunity to hear? Many disagree with implantation but they have the right to their own opinion.
I remember holding Cormac as a little tiny baby once we found out he was deaf. I can remember telling him even though he couldn't hear my I would take care of him always and try and do my best for him. I think I really am achieving this goal but sometimes I have a ton of self doubt.
I have never once said "why did this happen to Cormac". It is what it is and he is who he is. I know as Cormac grows I will come to realize the reason he was born deaf and so will he.
I just want him to be a kid and enjoy his toddlerhood. I feel bad for him sometimes because it seems he is constantly in a state of being taught. Every experience in our lives turns into a "hearing or speaking" opportunity. It is just our way of life now. It is how I talk to him (and Ciaran and Colin) constantly. I am sure it's not harming them and hopefully they will all have amazing vocabularies but I think every once in a while he should just enjoy the moment without having to say something and ask him to say it better.
Yep, most days are just brilliant but these thoughts are never out of my head.